Why Do We Abuse Our Children With These Names?

My friends Bob and Matt teased me constantly about the unusual names of the guys I once dated.  These interesting names all belong to Filipinos.  Okay, Perfecto was a doozy, particularly because his father and two brothers are also named Perfecto.  The smirk factor was exacerbated because, at least at the time, he was far from...

Demetrius and Peterson are pretty good names of guys I've dated too.

There were other names that they found interesting, but that seemed ordinary to me.  Paulino, Joel (which Filipinos pronounce like Noel), Gerald, Arthur.  I guess these are names that have lost currency in White America.  Bob and Matt are white.  Very, very white.  White like clouds, ivory and crack cocaine.  Bob knows the lyrics to every Indigo Girls song ever recorded.  Matt wears wide-brimmed hats and shades to protect himself from the glaring rays of London in February.  Matt used to sell corn-dogs n' Country Time Lemonade at the Alameda County Fair.  Bob is from Texas.  If you look up 'cracker' in a children's dictionary, there is a picture of Bob, Matt and a Saltine.  I settled down with a Christopher just to shut them up.

But perhaps I need to tune in with my white side and listen again with caucasized ears to the names of some of the people I've met in the Philippines.  Filipinos are prone to the creative, the antiquated and the unusual.  Someone had to give blacks a run for their money.

- My friend in Olongapo is Aris.  Short for, yes, Aristotle.
- In Siquijor, one of my hosts is Fortunado.  He's the municipal treasurer.  Seems like destiny.  His nickname is Boboy.
- Combination names are common and fun.  My masseur one day was Jomar; a combination of Jose and Maria.  Both of Jesus's parents in one name!  I decline the extra service.  In Manila I met Anjo - I think it's a combination of Andrew and Joseph.  In Leyte I befriended Marjun - a blend of Maria and Junior.  Jun or Junjun competes with Boy as the most common nickname in the archipelago.

Filipinos often hold childhood nicknames for life.  There are many elderly statesmen named Jun.  The proprietess of our resort in Guimaras is Honey.  Migz (Miguel) is my friend in Manila.  The newly elected president goes by Nonoy.  The Vice-president's name is Jejomar.  The president's chief scheduler is nicknamed Sexy.  The house speaker goes by Boy.  Can you imagine a health care bill being rammed through congress by Girlie Peloisi and Pingpong "P"einstein?  The president's private secretary is a woman who goes by by Ballsy.  I want that for my nickname.

Then there are the nicknames that sound like bells.  Bong or Bongbong is pretty common.  I saw a t-shirt for a political candidate named Dingdong.  My college friend is Ging-ging.  I've also met two Jings - one male and one female.  I have a friend in California named Albert Macadangdang Cadondon.  I'd love to nickname him Bongbong; but hundreds of Filipinos would head to church every time I called his name.